Sitting in my bed tonight wide awake at 3am. Started praying to God, thanking Him for who He is…more so for the love He has imparted on my grandmother. Today she was hallucinating again, but it was much different. When I can home she shared (with Much enthusiasm) that there is a new Heaven and a new Earth, and that Jesus came with salt, popcorn, and sugar! Bless her soul, I was laughing and ran to get my FlipCam to get this candid moment. As she went on (as I prodded with questions) she shared how she could see all the new things but they looked the same to me. She said that everything is a blessing, the telephone, buildings, sugar, on and on. Then she got emotional, she said she almost gave up- gave up everything-but Jesus captured her soul. She was nearly in tears at this point, and I realized how blessed I was to have a grandmother who endured soo much. And yes, I got it all on camera, but if you’re not family you’ll probably never see it, or understand it for that matter.

As I lay here tonight/this morning and pray whole heartedly for an experience like that with God as in Jesus himself. I got a shocking answer. I am NOT worthy! I would die if even an Angel showed its true being to me! I’ve spent all this time reading the Old testament and failed to notice that everyone who saw God or an angel was Sorely afraid! Moses was able to see God himself and his skin paled and his hair turned white as snow. Not even to mention that no one could enter the Lord’s temple and Live, unless they were under priesthood.

Its ironic because God has always spoken to me through other people, I know that. Mostly random people I don’t know, some preachers, prophets, in church or at the gas station. They will tell me exactly what I am wanting to do and what God has planned for me. It makes me wonder how all of a sudden I just want God to sit down for a chat up. So Not Worthy.

It was a shocking answer, a small vision tonight that cleared this subtle misunderstanding up. I saw the head of what seemed to be an angel come through my ceiling and I was immediately filled with fear and shut my eyes. My heart is still pounding. It wasn’t like I actually saw the angel! To be practical it was literally my imagination–a vision. Did you get that? There was No angel in the room. And yet I completely understand the message.

So Not Worthy. SMH. I’ll take this lesson and what my grandma told me to do (talk to God and have faith) and meditate on it.

Thank you God for Jesus! Without him we wouldn’t have a chance to ever experience you again. I don’t understand everything now, but I know its going to be a maturing process to build a relationship with Jesus like the one my grandmother has!